Today, I was sad.
It took me four hours to get up and do anything.
I have consumed 6 oz of fluid today.
I blacked out on the way home. I was driving and I blinked, and then when opened my eyes, I was in a ditch, stuck, halfway flipped over.
I went to a photoshoot. It went well, but the pictures of me did not look like me at all. The girl in the mirror today was not me.
I’m not tired at all.
But I can’t form sentences with my mouth.
My guts are uneasy.
My heart is always racing.
I sat in my car and dug my nails into my thigh until it bled.
I see nothing.
i just realized ive only eaten 500 calories in the last two days. Hmm.
why is my finding a menial job so important to everyone?
i dont want that. i dont need that. I’m too brilliant and talented to wait tables. its exhausting. the time ive spent in retail and restaurants is not worth it. i dont get paid shit and i end up running the goddamn joint and become a manager only to work more hours for what? a quarter more an hour? fuck that.
i want a job that is worth something to me.
but before i do that, i need to know if im staying in abilene, because if so, ill figure it out, work myself into the ground and be productive to make everyone else happy and be able to look my mom and sister in the eyes.
but if not, then ill get a loan, get my cosmetology license, keep tattooing, and move as soon as we can swing that. and then theyll see me being both productive and happy and because im happy, i wont care what they have to say.
but i need to know. soon.